My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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