I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
lol hangovers are for mortals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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