I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
