You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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