woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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