he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
