my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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