i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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