Only a mothe r could love this liver
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
