i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
