Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
