you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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