Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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