Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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