Moan for me like Helen Keller
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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