Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
