Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
