I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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