I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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