Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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