I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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