no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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