please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
