My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
