I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My first STD was from a foam party
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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