24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
