I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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