Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Oh god it's open bar.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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