I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
