dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
