I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
