I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
