A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
