you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
