i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
