Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
