How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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