You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Randomize
