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I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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