can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
