when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
