she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
