Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
