can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
