So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
