I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
