so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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