Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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