Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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