my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
