my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
